Creampiesandfloatingcities
by Tars-Tarkas
Summary: Short trip "inspired" by Illuminati Trilogy (R.A.Wilson/R.Shea) and the Principia Discordia and whatnot


So here's a little erisian story for your entertainment, called:  
  
CREAMPIES.AND.FLOATING.CITIES  
  
for no particular reason  
Chapter 1 "Set up - Fuck up"  
  
Ding-a-doodle-dong.....DING! The doorbell goes. (In the subjective reality of the fool).  
  
"Yeh, hearken! Thrice the piggy tolled." says Humpty Dumpty. The fool gets up and goes straight for the door (again, in his subjective reality). Looping around the lamp post in the middle of the room, narrowly missing the bar, he arrives at the door. The doorbell does its spiel again. "Bitch, bitch, bitch, that's all y'ever do." the jester mumbles. In the exact moment that he is remaining seated on the floor, doing nothing but letting the THC get to him, the fool opens the door.  
  
"A piggy all right, Humpty" he mumbles. "What be bringing you here at this time?" "Is that marijuana I smell?" the police officer asks. "No, go away. You bother us." the jester replies across the room. "Sorry, nothing going. We don't deal with p'lice officers." The pig draws himself up to his full height before the fool. Looking up into the funny face of the pig, the fool bends over backwards ever more and finally falls to the floor, convinced the pig had bend over ever more towards him. "Hassan i Sabbah, that was weird." he says. He shakes his head a bit until he is a little clearer again. He scrambles up. "May I see your search warrant, pulease?" The policeman gets out a sheet of paper and hands it to the fool. Studying it for a while, mumbling to himself, the fool finally gives up, looking stupidly at the policeman. "Who signed this?" he asks. "Judge E.Warren" the policeman replies, a little angry. "Never seen him. What's he doing, giving access to people's houses he's never met?" "Don't get funny with me. I'm going to arrest you and confiscate that contraband." He reaches behind him and gets out his revolver. Then he forces the fool into the room with it.  
  
"The what?" the fool inquires. "The drugs." the policeman says. "You know I might do you in for assault with a deadly weapon plus attempted armed robbery and harassment," the fool tells him, "And why does this Judge not come in person?" "Why should he do that? I'm there for that." the pig answers. "Yeah, but if you're there, you're not here. And if you're not here, how come you're there?" the fool demands with a quizzical look on his face. "Err." is the only reply that the policeman can muster.  
  
The jester gets up. "Gobble, Gobble, Gobble, Gobble, Gobble." he starts chanting, as he raises his hands in a 'stick-up' pose and wiggles his fingers at the blue suited man. "What?" the policeman says. "Gobble, Gobble, Gobble" continues the jester. The fool joins in. Humpty Dumpty, sitting on his wall, enjoys the scene from above chanting with them. "Gobble, Gobble." The room starts spinning, all the contours leaving a sparkling wave of colours behind them. "What de'..." the policeman says as the room continues on its little spinning trip. The fool comes round again, then the jester, still chanting "Gobble, Gobble." As the merry-go-round goes faster about him, he doesn't notice that he himself is spinning. "He's had enough, I think." the sage says. "How do you stop him?" the fool asks. "Gobble, Gobble, Gobble." says the jester. "All right! Haven't you got any other act?" the fool says. "Not in this incantation." replies the jester. Humpty jumps from his wall. He doesn't break since the wall is by now only five feet high. "Ho hum." he says and starts humming a little song. "Hmm, Hm, Hmmmm...."  
  
As he dances around the officer, a graceful woman dressed in ancient clothes from greece materializes on the bed with a soft thud. "Respectful police officers shouldn't be spinning like that." the woman remarks with an earnest voice, while she is settling on the bed, eating golden grapes. "Respectful police officers shouldn't go around trying to steal other people's dope." the fool says. "Stop him or he's going to puke all over your carpet," the woman remarks. "Yeah, well. So be it." says the fool. "Serves him right." adds the jester. The fat pig in blue has reached such a tremendous velocity around his axis that he is only visible as a swirling mass of blue and pink. Suddenly he brakes down and amidst a spray of blue dust exploding away from him, he falls to the floor, naked as a piglet, and starts retching. "Yuck." says the fool. "Told you so." says the graceful Lady. Humpty Dumpty comes over to the retching man and watches him innocently, like a little child. "D'you mind using the toilet as a receptacle while you throw up your guts?" the fool says. The jester kicks the man in the butt. He says in a deep comical voice "Don't make no bull moves, pig!" Humpty covers the man with a big blanket. "The poor little pig." he says. "So sick so sad so silly." he says. "Leave him be." the woman tells them. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." she says. From any other goddess it would have been quoting, but not from her.  
  
The sage lifts the man up and lays him down on the bed beside the woman. Suddenly she holds a magic wand in her hand and touches him with it. "Be a pig no more." she says. And Io, wonders over wonders all those gathered round behold a miracle for he is a pig no more. The woman leans over and the two begin kissing long and deep.  
  
"Have fun." the jester says. "C'mon, let's go next door." the fool says. They stumble out of the room into the next. "Here, have a toke." says the jester as he passes the J to the fool. "Si man." says the fool and takes a deep drag. Holding the smoke down he passes the joint to the sage, sunwise. The sage tokes deeply and passes it on to Humpty Dumpty. He tokes as well and they sit down in a circle. H.D. passes the joint to the jester again. "Toke not without thine friend and he shall not toke without you." he says, waits a bit and draws another lungful of burning Mary Jane. "Does not the scripture say: Thou shallt not falsely toke the good weed?" the fool recites as he receives the joint. "No" says the jester, snickering. The fool inhales and starts to lose touch with reality.  
  
He remembers the joint and passes it on to the sage. "What does it say?" The jester grins, lifts his hands and says "Gobble, Gobble, Gobble." "Inside every great truth there is a Gobble waiting to get out." Humpty Dumpty lectures. Soft moans in pink and lilac drift over from the other room. "And inside every pig is a lover, waiting to get in." the Dumptyman finishes. The sage inhales again and hearken speaks thus "And though your Joint is only a half inch long in the end, the good Lady she shall not let you go dry."  
  
The fool fumbles with a switch on a remote control beside him. "want to get high, so high" the hi-fi sings in lovely shades of green and brown. Quickly the fool stops it again. He presses another button and they all see nothing more for the fool has shut off all the lamps. "You fool" says the jester "pass that over here man." As the lights come on again, the fool gives the remote control to the jester. He pushes a button and the T.V. comes on. "Yo, the Poltergeist will come out." the fool wails. The VCR starts playing a Cheech&Chong video. "I'm not home right now but..." Cheech is singing. The woman comes in with the man-formerly-known-as-a-pig. "Turn it off." she says and joins the circle between the sage and the fool who has made a gap for her. The sage widens the circle and the former police officer joins them on the floor. "I'm a tryin'" says the jester. "Here", he says and tosses the remote control to the woman, "you do it."  
  
The woman turns off both TV and VCR and, finding the right button, proceeds to lower a massive shiny hookah from the ceiling. The fool, the jester and the sage bow their heads to the ground and start praying. "Oh exquisite Lady, protector of the weed. Our daily toke give us today. And forgive us our passes as we forgive you yours. Lead us into temptation so we can give in to it. Your weed it shall be as in heaven as on earth. Forever more. So be it." "Thanks, you fools." says she and fills the hookah. She gives the remote control back to the jester. "Turn on the Hi-Fi again." "Yo Muggs. Make it rough." says he and brings the moosic on again. The speakers start bumping with the bass and that funky Cypress Hill shit infiltrates their brains.  
  
"That nigga B-Real has the funniest voice I've ever heard." says the sage. "You shouldn't be sayin' that n-word." objects da man. "Why not," says the fool, "if you don't mean it as an insult it's OK." The jester sings along with the music "I wanna get High, so High." She who is the Mother of us all gives him the nuzzle of the pipe. "Toke the toke." she says. He inhales deeply, holds the smoke down and passes the nuzzle on. "Blessed are those who have weed for they shall get high." he says. "Verily, so much for all that." says Humpty Dumpty. The nuzzle goes around and 'What goes around comes around' until all their brains are flying high.  
  
Eris starts to loose her human form and her body dissolves into the dance of atoms and universes, her eyes become deep as eternity itself and her hair pyrotechnics of pure energy. Upon seeing this, they all marvel greatly at her beauty and touch their foreheads to the ground before her. But she says "Behold, I am freedom. Bow not your heads before me but rise up and look me in the eyes." So they all arise again and the sage says "Happy are we children of Eris. For indeed are we free." "Verily, so much for all that." says Humpty Dumpty. The fool leans over to her and kisses her sensuous lips. "I love you." he says. The jester tokes again and leans over the hookah in the middle of the circle towards the goddess who meets him midway. They kiss and the jester exhales the smoke into her mouth which she inhales. And so, as the weed softly burns, they all pass on to the next level of consciousness.  
  
Chapter 2  
  
"Flattery will get you anywhere, but you can only catch a cat in any trap once." 


End file.
